Enough is Enough, Really

This week balance is on my mind, maybe because I am craving more of it in my life right now. The word balance is generically standing in here for the dance between taking myself and my stuff too seriously and not taking it seriously enough. I am struck lately by my observations of others and myself which lead me to, sorry-judgement here, conclude that most of us are taking ourselves way to seriously. Why is that? Is it because we are so insecure about what the future will bring we feel compelled to control every aspect of the present? We feel we need to justify our existence, our work, and our lives by ascribing omni-important status to all things us? So we wring our hands over things that in the big picture do not matter, we grab on to and defend positions that prop ourselves up by making others less than or wrong. I do not want all of that in my life. But then again, it is true that we have to get certain basic needs met thus requiring us to take things seriously enough.

Maybe the balancing point hinges on what is enough. Webster’s defines enough as “occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations” (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/enough). I would add desires in there too and other definitions do. Deciding what is enough gets tricky when enough is confused with more; more of course meaning something greater or additional. It seems like a lot of us on a basic level are seeking some peace with ourselves. Somewhere along the line though we got this idea that peace within ourselves somehow is equated to things, situations, people, ideas, and so on that are outside of ourselves. When enough did not bring us peace we strove for more.

What I want to say is enough is enough! Intrinsically you are enough, I am enough, my enough is not your enough and vice versa and that is okay. And, what is enough will change over the course of time, and that is okay too. Externally, enough is enough too. We probably all can think of people, situations, institutions, etc. that were no better off or happier with more. Find out what enough means to you. Be aware that you are already enough as you are. (Unfortunately I cannot figure out how to link to a facebook post here, but check out The Daily Buddha on FB for more.)  Externally, be conscious of what is enough, what is more, and how each may or may not serve you. Try really hard not to push what enough means to you on somebody else. I say all of this to me and to you as a reminder to lighten up, let yourself off the hook, and enjoy who you are and what you have without beating yourself up for more. Enough really is enough.

Where We Are Now

In reflecting on the first three posts to the Happiest Bird I realized that I missed talking about the present moment or where we are right now. I went right out of the gate with getting from here to there, resolutions and goals, and doing rather than am-ing. The first reaction to my own writing in general is that all of this is much easier said than done. I struggle with following my own advice! But then that is, somewhat selfishly, one of the purposes of this blog: to get these thoughts out of me with the hope that getting them out will hold me more accountable for them in my everyday living and relationships. I also hope equally that my struggles and insights voiced here might resonate with and even help others along their way.

So, I am backing up today to talk about today, where we are now. Previous posts could have been read as if where we have found ourselves on the path today was somehow something to run from. When actually, I subscribe to the underlying assumption that where we are now is exactly where we are supposed to be, and really of course, it is the only place we can be. By no means does that imply that the place where we are now is free of problems or stress but if we remember to probe beneath the surface of where we are now we are likely to find as much or more goodness there than hardship.

If you are having trouble seeing all sides of where you are now play Peter Elbow’s “Believing Game” with yourself and circumstances. This is an orientation to understanding truth, usually used for resolving conflict or understanding conflicting perspectives, many times within the context of social justice. It is an exercise in critical thinking in which you enact the Believing Game, or the “conscious attempt to believe everything, no matter how repellent it may seem to find virtues or strengths we might otherwise miss.” The Believing Game is the other side of the much more common “Doubting Game” that is probably subconsciously employed in us almost automatically. Elbow defines the Doubting Game as "the systematic, disciplined, and conscious attempt to criticize everything no matter how compelling it might seem to find flaws or contradictions we might otherwise miss." A brief synopsis of the rules for each game can be found here.

The tough stuff in where we are today is probably much more obvious to us. Maybe the Believing Game can help us find hard to identify goodness in our current situations. Once you find the good be with it and dwell from it. Since you can only get to tomorrow through today, let the goodness of today be the foundation for your tomorrow (whatever your hopes and expectations are for it). My overarching point here is this, where we are now has inherent challenges and goodness. Nothing is necessarily “wrong” with where we are now. It is what it is. We cannot run from our present because it is always our present. So make the choice to find and identify with the good of your today in the moments that lead to your tomorrow.

Take Care of Yourself First and the Rest Will Take Care of Itself

It is about that time of year when most folks give up on their New Year’s resolutions. One of the reasons we make resolutions is to transform ourselves from the person we are now to the person we would like to become. A lot of us though get stuck “am-ing” instead of “doing.” For example, “I am going to exercise everyday” instead of actually going for a walk or run. The intention of “am-ing” is important. The hard part is translating it to doing. Consistently. In order to transform into the people we would like to become a shift in our thinking is necessary. A new mental framework that sets the stage for our becoming is needed. It starts with taking care of yourself first and trusting that the rest will take care of itself.

We have all heard the advice that you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else so this is not a new idea. Maybe the distinction is that loving yourself is different (but related) to taking care of yourself. So the idea is for you to start with you. This week make it a priority to be nice to yourself. Put yourself ahead of other demands that require and compete for your attention; whatever that may mean to you. Do something nice for yourself. Most importantly you must throw away the “stock story” (a standard story that we tell ourselves or have been told so much that we believe it without examination) that you do not have time. It just is not true. You do have time. If you want to transform from what you are now to what you want to become it is essential that you create some space (time) to support and nurture your ideas. It is from this place that you can move beyond “am-ing” to doing.

Ok, so now we have the mental framework in place-take care of yourself first. Next, put your resolutions, goals, and/or dreams into action. Not many of us can do this in one flail swoop. So integrate them even in the smallest of ways in to your thinking, being, and doing. One way to do this is to tell people about them. Will it make you vulnerable? Maybe. But if you surround yourself with people who love and support you then by default they want what is best for you and can keep you accountable. For more on this idea see Joel Runyon’s post Surrounding Yourself.

Within this new mental framework that puts you first watch and listen closely for what happens as you implement your resolutions, goals, and dreams. If you are truly listening from this place then chances are your resolutions, goals, and/or dreams will expand into their becoming through new ideas. Just like water before a boil where little air bubbles are intermittently released from the bottom and sides of the pot, so too will ideas and new ways of thinking and being surface in you.

Here is a recap: Commit yourself to your “doing” rather than your “am-ing.” Implement your resolutions, goals, and/or dreams as much as you can in everyday. Surround yourself with people who will keep you accountable. All the while, watch and listen for what bubbles up to the top. If nothing else consider this a reminder. Be good to you!

Living off the page, the cushion, or the mat—or wherever it is that you nurture your truest self

I have grappled with the question “How do I live life to the fullest?” You know, really make everyday count. I have read the self help books. I have meditated to find the answer. I have prayed about it, written in my journal about it, made lists of how to accomplish the answer(s) to this question, and on and on. What I have come to realize though, is that the answer cannot be found. The only way to really answer this question is to be the answer as many times as you can, everyday.

Part of that means bringing the best parts of you found in your meditation, journal revelations, readings, or on your yoga mat in to your everyday relationships and interactions with people and situations. Get off the pages of books and journals, get off the yoga mat or meditation cushion! Put the goodness found there into your world. Easier said than done, right? The rational mind will pick this idea apart quickly. “I can’t bring peace and compassion in to my workplace, I’ll get rolled over by my co-workers, clients, boss, etc.” “I can’t bring the vulnerable parts of myself to my relationship with my partner, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc., I might get hurt.” And on and on goes the mind. So, instead of infusing our lives and relationships with peace, compassion, and passion for what it is our hearts truly desire we suppress this urge or relegate it to our journals, meditation, or prayers. Many of us live out this dichotomy. We show one face to the world that is very different from the desires and feelings we harbor and cultivate in our personal development.

A choice is involved. It isn’t easy and it is risky. Either you chose to live richly and fully, showing up as often as you can as your best self, or you live the dichotomy, or worse yet you aren’t even conscious that such a disconnect exists in your life. And of course, if you don’t choose how you show up in your life you have still made a choice by default. Ok, yeah maybe this isn’t as black and white as I am making it seem. And I am certainly no expert. I am only beginning to bring my truest feelings and desires into my everyday existence. So far what I have come up with is that to answer the question “How do I live my life to the fullest?” I have to show up and be the answer to that question instead of waiting for the answer to fall into my life. For me that means moving myself off the page and out of my head. This blog is a start. Although it still involves a page (I just can’t seem to get away from them!) this is me reaching out to others, putting my truest self out there in a way that I never have before. Maybe it is a way of seeking support too. It seems that surrounding yourself with supportive people who keep you accountable for showing up as your best self is key. So today I will be the answer to the question as many times as I can. I hope you will be too.

Choosing to Move vs. Being Chosen to Move

Today I am choosing to move a small step forward toward my life’s work. It is a conscious choosing. I feel compelled to share my thoughts and experiences with others in this space. I hope that others will share their thoughts and experiences here too. Likely, I won’t be putting forth any really original ideas. I am an admitted cherry picker of the ideas of others that I integrate in to my personal paradigm. I’ll try to credit those that planted the seed in me but can’t promise that I’ll remember where each nugget came from originally. Nor can I promise that I won’t contradict myself. I do it all the time. Ultimately I hope that it furthers my thinking as I process and progress in what I believe.

All of us have probably experienced how life can have a way of making things so uncomfortable that we have no choice but to change our thinking or ways of being. This can be a really painful way to be moved. Our dreams are stuffed down, or maybe the still small voice that knows is all but muted in us. When all else fails you can count on life to send us an event like a job loss or a breakup to shake us out of our complacency, forcing us to realign with who we truly are and where we are meant to be going. I am consciously choosing to move rather than waiting around for life to move me. I am not entirely sure what I am moving to but I am okay with that. I am excited about the process of becoming.

So welcome to The Happiest Bird! I hope that you will stop by often and share your reflections on life and your own becoming.